Let's clear up some confusion...
Decoding the confusing messaging we hear in the mental health and wellness sphere.
Is anybody else a little discombobulated by the overwhelming amount of information and messages we see in the wellness and mental health arena these days? Well if you are like me, then you probably are a little confused. I’m going to try and decode and make sense of, some of these conflicting ideas and see if I can untangle the knots in my mind regarding the following popular messages we hear today…
Regarding romantic relationships:
We often hear how important it is for us to ‘not accept breadcrumbs’, while also making sure we are in the position to ‘give love freely without expecting anything in return’ or it isn’t real love.
Or
You need to love yourself first fully before getting into a romantic relationship BUT being with the right person and in a loving relationship will allow you to heal your heart and learn that you are love-able.
In my experience, there is no right or wrong time to get into a relationship. It is more to do with the type of relationship you are getting into, than whether or not you are ‘healed enough’. We are all works in progress and there is no fully healed place. That is an illusion. You can be both working on yourself and working on creating a loving romantic relationship AT THE SAME TIME.
Both can enhance each-other greatly. A loving relationship can help you love yourself and loving yourself can help you love another. It is symbiotic. As long as you are both focused on healing and growing together, there shouldn’t be any silly rules in true love.
You deserve to give and receive love, no matter where you are in your journey of recovery. The balance of giving and receiving will always be shifting in a relationship depending on so many circumstances. It is not possible for it always to be 50/50. But as long as there is some sort of balance going both ways that is fine.
Also, all adult romantic relationships come with the expectation that there will be some level of depending on each other, caring for each other, supporting each other. All relationships naturally have some level of co-dependence to them, otherwise why on earth would we even bother with them?
We all have needs that we look to get from our partners and as long as these are balanced both ways, then I don’t see that as being a problem. It is called being human. Connection and affection are very natural needs we have as humans and they do not make us needy or clingy. A balance of connection and independence is what makes a romantic relationship healthy and worthwhile.
Then there is the conflicting messaging we hear about people who have narcissistic traits versus people with pleasing traits. Apparently both of these are bad, bad, bad!
Remember to always have unconditional love and acceptance for everyone, BUT the second you sniff out narcissistic behavior in anybody, run for the hills as fast as your legs can carry you, gather all the village people and organise a stoning on that person.
Be kind and do nice things for people, always think of others, BUT do not be a people pleasing door mat at the same time. You have to think of yourself after all…
HUH ?!?!
I think the majority of us, have both of these traits to some extent, and it doesn’t make us bad people. It makes us human. If these become out of balance to the point where someone is harming themselves or others, then yes it needs to be addressed.
For example if you are in an abusive relationship with a narcissist, then please get help immediately to leave that toxic situation and recover. But maybe these words are thrown around too flippantly these days. If we all take a long, hard and honest look at ourselves, I am sure that we have all exhibited both sides of these traits at one time or another in our lives.
SO.. be nice but only if it is authentic and you have the capacity in you to be nice. Don’t be nice if its harming you (you don’t have the inner resources but are doing it anyway to look good) or if you’re looking for attention from it. Simple right? :)
Then I must point out the very important distinction between mental health and mental illness…
I am an advocate for mental health - raising awareness and helping to break stigma around the subject. However I think it is so crucial to point out, there is a huge difference between mental health and mental illness.
We are force fed over and over again all of these messages about mental health and well-being - how walking, eating right, keeping dehydrated and exercising, yoga and mindfulness are amazing for your mental health and well being. And how important self care is and being empowered in your recovery etc etc. This is all well and fine…
BUT
Mental illness on the other hand, is a little more tricky than making sure to eat and drink well. Depending on the severity of the illness, many of these aforementioned resources for taking care of yourself WILL SIMPLY NOT WORK, when you are struggling deeply with mental illness.
I make sure to always promote self empowerment in relation to your mental health on my posts and blog, however when when you are in the throes of a severe mental illness, sometimes you are literally too sick to take care of yourself or do any of these things.
It’s this level of debilitation and being mentally ill that is still so stigmatised in society and not spoken about enough. I’m talking about suicidal depression, psychosis, mania. dissociation and being catatonic. Mental illness messaging should be treated very different to messages around mental health and well-being as they are two very different issues with two very different sets of truths.
Of course when you are struggling with a mental illness, the end result should be that you can become empowered to take care of yourself again. But for many, that is a long journey and along the way, just like anyone who has an acute chronic physical illness, we need so much care, support and help before we can fully take care of ourselves.
Finally the messaging around EGO. Apparently having no ego at all is spiritual and ‘good’, any ego at all is evil, ‘bad’…
I truly believe a healthy amount of ego is needed to do anything in this life. As long as what you are doing is win win in nature, then having an ego about it is fine. We are wired as humans, to be seen, heard and feel valued. There is no harm in having an ego if its in check and is balanced and not harming others. We all need a good dose of self love, self pride and self appreciation balanced with love, appreciation and pride for others.
To finish here a are a few quick ones I get confused on:
Self acceptance versus working on yourself constantly to have the perfect life: You can accept your feelings as they are, without having to react to them or be motivated by them. Accepting them and feeling them DOES NOT MEAN you can spew your anger and hatred everywhere..
It simply means you can feel your feelings in a healthy way, allow them to rise up and process them in healthy ways WHILE ALSO making necessary changes and taking action in your life to make it better for yourself. You don’t need to attain perfection in anything.
As long as you are prioritising your inner peace and balance then it doesn’t matter whether you’re rich, have the perfect body, partner, job, blah blah blah. After basic needs are met then most of these needs are a waste of energy and time. If you’re healthy, have food on your plate, a warm bed, you’re doing better than 90 percent of the world already!
What are your true hearts desires? Usually they are very different to the ones we are brainwashed into thinking we need.
Stoicism: You can only control you, everything else must be let go! versus lets change the world with anger and activism!
We literally can’t control the world around us. We can only control our behavior thoughts and actions BUT we can influence the world around us by living by example. It is so important to have awareness of the injustices in the world and taking action that is in our sphere of control or power to better that situation. But any energy wasted on things out of our control is just that - a waste of energy. Don’t be angry for the sake of being angry because that’s what’s expected of you. Be angry and take whatever action you are able to. Then let go.
Well I could sit here and decode these mixed up messages all day but I won’t as I’m getting a bit confused again. :) I think you get the message. Nothing in life is as simple as black and white. There really is no definitive right or wrong. Aim for the middle ground in everything as that’s where the truth ultimately lies.