In my early thirties I went through a long period of treatment resistant depression . It as the worst time of my life and what many refer to as ‘the dark night of the soul’. Recently I have been falling back into depressive states which scares the living daylight out of me because of my past experiences with feeling stuck this way.
However, because of all inner the work I have journeyed through in the last few years I can bring myself through these depressive states with so much more ease and grace then before as I’ve learned how to process the feelings to get to the other side of them.
I feel like this process is never ending and there are still layers of emotional stuff to get to. I’d like to focus on what that ‘inner work’ is, why are we so resistant to it and how the only way to release yourself from the grip of depression is to surrender deeply into this painful process of accessing and feeling your emotions.
There is a difference between intellectually knowing that you are suppressing your emotions compared to what it feels like to actually embrace this process fully.
I would highly recommend in the beginning stages of your journey, when the depression feels very stuck and heavy to seek outside help so that you can begin to unravel the emotions that are keeping you locked in this state.
Here are some ways we all repress and suppress our emotions and ignore the inner work that needs to be addressed. I’ve experienced all of these in one form or another.
Addictions (Tv, entertainment, socializing, food, substances, alcohol, shopping, internet, porn, sex etc: all big massive distractions to facing yourself: please not in balance most of these activities are fine.)
Overthinking (being in your head all the time is not the same as processing emotions in your body.)
self stigma and shame ( a huge hindrance to allowing you to feel your emotions)
toxic relationships and love addiction (codependency). It’s so easy to fall into the trap of hiding behind the never ending roller coaster of chemical flooding we get from getting into relationship after relationship repeating the same cycles over and over until we go within and do this work.
So that’s just a few ways we all continue the cycle of repressing our feelings and thus stay stuck in our depression…. but there is hope.
I’ll speak from my own very honest and true experience. This journey of recovery takes so much time, energy, continuous effort, consistency and you will go through so much pain and tears. It is as tiring as hell, sometimes so lonely and you feel like it will never ever end. I promise you though that as hard as that all sounds it is so worth it when you start to recover yourself and live in the light again.
It’s like the old cliched metaphor of the caterpillar going into metamorphosis and coming out as the butterfly. It’s a dark lonesome painful journey but the beauty at the end makes it all worth it.
Your spirit will feel light and free to fly and soar and be who you were supposed to be in the world… a free creative human being enjoying the experience of living and being here now.
Sounds like a childish fairy tale but it’s actually what happens when you commit to this path.
So what lifestyle changes can you begin to make now to show up for yourself and commit to your own recovery fully in order to take back the reigns of your life. Have courage to lean into your self each day until it becomes a way of life.
You are so worth it. I believe in you. I believe in us. Take that first step today and then each new day re-commit and keep taking little baby steps. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Never stop unfolding until you reach the gem at the center of your heart where your true power lies and you can be free to fly.
Always remember to control the controllable when it comes to healing from depression… what does this mean?
Simply, we need to shift our focus to ourselves, our inner worlds and to let go of trying to change people on the outside of us. We can use the outer world like a mirror reflecting back to us always those parts that need to be brought into the light and be healed.
We can use all of our life circumstances and relationships in this way to free ourselves. We can stop projecting onto others and take full responsibility for our inner emotional world which is mostly made up of our trauma filters and belief systems that we need to let go of.
We need to take responsibility for our own lives and process our own emotions and focus on our breaking free from our addictions thus slowly transforming into the person we already are inside.
Wishing you all the strength and faith in your journey. Conquer your fear of pain. It is the number one thing that will set you free. You’re going to be okay.